Wednesday, December 30, 2009
I'm No Football Player but I have Mad Defense! God Help*
When you have fought all your life for survival, the hunt becomes a natural way of life. I have always been a fighter. I have fought to maintain my image, for my peace, justice, truth and even for my sanity. However when you come to Christ a major shift takes place and you begin to understand that it was never your role to begin with. I found myself at a crossroads in my journey where I asked the Lord to show me "me" and He did it. I was proud of some of the discoveries and saddened by the others, but who God loves He corrects-so He must really love me :).
DEFENSIVENESS......where did it come from? How did it originate? How can I change, be content, and learn to trust?
In the past, I never had an outlet and I did not have a listening ear. I was envied for reasons I did not know or ever understand. The press for friends was hard, I struggled to have people love me. Past the usury, abuse, and fake relationships; I found myself in platinum armor, fully protected-no entry. The weak, sad, lost, neglected little girl was able to breath behind the mask. So I lived there for years, losing pieces of myself as time grew. So numb to pain I could not even mourn the death of my joy, personality-simply put, me. I roamed the earth a corpse until the Lord came and swept me away from myself.
I was introduced to a new mindset with Christ, living with him requires a deeper level of commitment, beyond my comfortablilty. I am no longer the victim but the victor! No matter how you dissect it, defensiveness is a protective tool for pride which is anti-destiny. After years of being saturated in self-pity, I realized that wasn't the answer.
Character is developed as the unhealthy things are removed from your lifestyle. When I made the decision to receive Christ, things began to change, as I renew my mind daily- the commitment deepens and continues. The fear of God, an honor for God, and the desire to live a life pleasing to him in service grew. I recognize the defensiveness as a stumbling block now, rather than believing there was nothing wrong with me and everyone else has the issue. Regardless if I am wronged or people plot against me-God is my protector- I had to shift from the place of trying to defend myself-let it be and have the Lord fight my battles.
Mind renewal is very important as we must believe that God's word is true for our lives. The need to defend becomes natural after years of mistreatment however, we understand through his word that that is not our job. Our position is to trust the Lord and to have expectation in his word.
So from here the only thing to do is grow*