Friday, June 4, 2010
March, April, May, June- Eureka! It took a while for me to get to the point that I could publish a blog- that's right PUBLISH A BLOG. I would sit, write, but it just wasn't right, it wasn't real. So, rather than compromising the authenticity of the the blog and my character by posting fairy tales, I chilled, and in that chilling I was never led to press "Publish Post".
Well, where do I start so much has happened, so much. The last blog I wrote was about intimacy in relationship and boy did I miss the warning coming on that one. Immediately there after I incurred so much warfare. Busyness, distraction, and temptation came to steal time and focus and it was working. I got to a place that I looked around and saw that I was active, moving but there was such a void present. This void was not to be ignored, regardless of what was going on I would always sense that missing link-that link was Christ.
I needed more of Him and that was the push to write the last entry originally, how to gain a deeper relationship through abiding. In this past months I have been getting broken away from me. It became more clear daily that I was the one that blocked my growth, relationship, and success in Christ. Sometimes I would just sit and cry as the demons of diminishment, condemnation, and yesterday would haunt me. I would weaken in their threats and respond like a weakling- in defeat. Somewhere after that I would have to fight the numbness to act on what I knew, and some nights I wouldn't recover but chose depression. Thank God that it didn't end up worse and that God stopped me in my tracks-Reality Check Kiddo!!!!
During what I would call to be the worst part of this lull the Lord led me to join a running club. Now, first thing I thought was that I definitely do not have time for this, my schedule is packed and I am fighting being overwhelmed daily. Well, God was persistent and not only did I join the club but I joined a 5K training course as well. I was amazed at the structure of the organization and the determination of its members. Little did I know the Lord has a lesson of His own wrapped up in this extracurricular activity.
Discipleship and character training through an organized sport? If I am not learning anything else I am learning to take the limits off God. Don't box Him up! Watch God work................
So I joined the club and joined the 5K program, Praise God! First thing I did was go to Under Armor and get some cute running gear. Now this is before the first practice. (And I was not trying to get a husband on the track Ladies and Gentlemen, I am enrolled in the Beginner WOMEN'S Training Program-just had to put that out there, lol) Anyway, I got my cute workout gear to motivate me and was ready to run. The first day of practice was interesting, we were broken up into three heats (groups- according to speed). I was prest to find out what color the fast group was and was determined to be in that group. I thought to myself -I am a former high school track star, I am fit, and who is to say I can't be in that group? Well, that day- I made sure I was in front, that I would be noticed and that I would be where I believed I should be. Do you see where this is going?
Well I was switched to the blue group that day (the fast group) I made sure that I would always run in front and pushed myself to do more. Now, I am fast and I have good endurance however you cannot cheat in "Marathon Training"- you see this is my goal, ultimately running the Marine Corps marathon. Even with sprinting (running fast short distances) there is serious training however marathon training is different and the focus is on strength and endurance- exactly what I needed to work on with my christian walk.
It was interesting as I began to stand out and get praise I realized how uncomfortable that made me. I then saw myself working harder to stay within the expectations of others- it was such a trip. In long distance running you must know yourself, set your own pace, know your strengths and weaknesses, and build on those strengths. I realized I loved practice with the group and it motivated me to push but the individual training time would always be shortened, compromised, or skipped with other things I had to take care of that I deemed more important. One day I got a little snippet of what God was trying to do and began to pay more attention.
WHOA- I could have missed a huge lesson about the race for my life. The race that I was losing due to the expectations of others, poor self image, complacency, lack of faith, trust and fight. I realized that my focus was off course and highlighted the wrong things. The intimacy I desire cannot be found in a one night stand, sporadic dating, or uncommitted relationship. It takes it all. Recently my Pastor preached a sermon on loving in relationships and emphasized the risk in love and the fear that holds people back. (Hmmmmmmmm, afraid of what has never been seen or conceived.) Could it be that I am afraid of true love and that fear affects my stride? Sounds like it to me.
Just like you can't cheat in long distance running, you can't cheat with intimacy. The cry was loud and clear and I believe I let the fear of the depth of love scare me and I retreated. The race is real, not imaginary and is not going away. I can't look back at the training or opportunities missed but must move on from this point, determined to attain the grand romance- the way He (Christ) wants it.
I need to embrace that I am running for my life, to be continued.