Monday, November 15, 2010

Pity Parties, Fried Chicken, and Gentle Reminders

So yesterday may not have been the best day...............................

I woke up and was in a lull and had been in that lull since the end of October. This was one of the hardest moments to shake in my life, I thank God it's over.

How did I get over this lull? Well as simple and minor as it may sound I came to a place of thanksgiving, contentment, and reflection over a fried chicken dinner prepared with love. (Never doubt the power of how God uses others to speak, even when it is not directly to the situation you would be surprised of the jewels you can discover)

I still functioned and operated but definitely a time where I would say I was out of season.

So heavy, burdened, and depressed. I mean, there were things that were happening both good and bad but there was a numbness present but, it did not start out that way. I remember it clearly, I had a moment of extreme heaviness and sadness and the poor decisions followed suit. Now usually a person would get down about that but by this point I was numb and could not understand why.  I shouted out to God, "What is happening to me" and God being peaceful and unmoved by my rage would give a response like "Your flesh is being put to death". Now I felt that I had "put the flesh to death" before and still doing that but I have never experienced anything like what I went through recently.

I think its funny how I believed myself to be so invisible and undetected by everyone but God made it clear that people see the struggle and are only instructed to pray- its part of my process. How can you be angry for something you asked for? In this midst of false doctrine and false teachers of the word, in my experiences coming up in ministry and unbiblical views that were inducted by tradition and others family ties, I grew a disgust for falsehood and the misrepresentation of God.  (Thank God: I was lead to a place and leaders that have FULL confidence in God's word and the importance of finding and knowing Him for yourself, divine set up huh? lol)

My whole life from that point was set on the passion of really "knowing Him". That is the very  purpose of this blog, the journey of getting there. Not to be afraid to throw out everything and gain what is truth. The Lord told me in the beginning of the year that he is taking me back through everything-everything I thought I knew, but didn't, wasn't sure of, or had a question about. He wanted me to have what I asked for, truth. He wanted me to have confidence in the things that I knew but  then doubted once someone disagreed. I find it so funny that people ask for things from God and then are upset with the method He chooses for us. (myself included)

I know how this whole downslide started, God was taking me on a journey. I was told that for the path He was taking me on I needed to have "GREAT FAITH", oh ok, I thought- that's easy enough right? lol So I started praying for that great faith. When I say all hell broke loose, it did. I was told I was being made "thick-skinned, and a fighter". My feelings were constantly hurt and the emotions were like fire crackers on the 4th of July. Now, I ladies and gentlemen battled with suppression which birthed depression, then oppression-(I know I will be covering this in a later blog). When I would get hurt regardless of how "well" it appeared to be handled- that night it was on, the battle of the mind, will, and emotions would go to work. So midway through the journey I took a seat, so God waited. I realized that every time major events would happen that were pivotal to my spiritual growth- anything and everything would happen. I battled through some major times and then, I ran.

I ran like Elijah from the threat of Jezebel, sprinted like an Olympic hopeful and ended up, well, I don't know where I ended up. Versus an angel coming to my aid (prob had those too but didn't take notice) God stepped in and needless to say I got some of the heartfelt and some of the harsh, whew, love is honest :)

Now I am about to eat some of the word and continue this journey. Its been very hard family, I have had some of the roughest times of my life in this season and I guess the downslot is that I am trying to hit things honestly and am grieving the injustice in a lot of things. My desire is that my heart will bleed for the people and that I have a heart of love and will stop at nothing for others to receive that. That my mind will be so set on God's word that I will not even be able to swallow a spoonful of anything else. Discernment sharpened, mind set, I'm willing-Let's go.

It's funny, I feel as if I am learning this light-walk in phases and seeing that in the past I had some good points and connecting those things to the new understanding. This introduces the understanding to the zealousness. The emphasis is on doing it purposely, with the right heart, being spirit-lead, in wisdom.
Teaching on healing is hard, the person is hurt and just wants a resolve but often times the resolve they want is what they avoid and the difficulty is in the longsuffering, patience, intercession, and love that has to be poured out regardless of their response. Everything my life has stood for spiritually connects to one thing-Christ, (duh, lol) and everyone's need for Him. He is breaking me down to build me back up. I know the hardships by experience, ministry of others, and by keeping my ear to the ground. (hearing what others around me endure).

I am humbled and honored by the call to serve and spread the truth. To give people the invitation to the party of life. That rocks* Perception is the key, in the midst of the chaos- do you see what God is doing? Sometimes the gentle reminder of what you need in Him is enough to settle the soul. Word to emphasize the work that is being done in the inside and the birthing of that character that makes the destiny lasting.

Remember if you are not fighting, not working, not seeking, you are the host of your very own extravagant pity celebration-cut the lights, put the champagne away, and exit- its time to work!

Do a self-examination. Where do you stand? Ask God to help you in those areas and allow Him to. Get word that promotes God's plan, have faith, fight anything that stands in your way with THE WORD, stand in the midst after you have done everything, have faith, trust God, and SOAR*

Father God in the Name of Jesus, I thank you for the lives of all that read this blog and are in search of something in you. I pray that my transparency blesses and promotes action to seek you even more. Lord show yourself in their lives and show them the importance of dependency and trust in your word. I pray for faith through the rough patches and humility in the green pastures. I speak God's full fold blessings over their lives and pray Lord,  that you give them the insight to fight and endure through all trials. I pray for the understanding of victory and that eyes will be opened (including my own). God help us grow in you and as we, yield do everything you need to for our wholeness- put us back in the kiln, break the branches, do the work- we trust you. I love you with an unspeakable love and pray all these things in faith in the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Encourage Yourself!!!!!!!!!!

So we all have seasons when we are in need of something that only God can give us. It feels as if no words in the world can comfort the soul and we long for God to intervene.

It is in the that moment that He says, "Have faith".

Then something beautiful happens, you gird up your loins, pull up your bootstraps and apply that faith and use the very word of God (the facts) to encourage yourself.

Never give up, regardless of what your eyes see- the life lies in your faith in God. Things will NOT always be this way. You will have everything that God has promised you + some.

So look in the mirror confidently and rehearse the good things, speak the word over your own life in the midst of discouragement. be thankful for all God has done and REMEMBER THE GOOD THINGS, remember all He has brought you through (this is no different) and watch as the diminishment melts away and your faith in God increases. You can do it! (Song Encourage Yourself, Enjoy)

As I am embarking on one of the most difficult strides in my race, I need to be the cheerleader for myself as I am for others. Relentless in pursuit and bubbling over with love*

I encourage you to grow and encourage yourself in the midst of the storm. Push for that dependency in God and exercise your faith! Speak it aloud and water the good seeds and have the good seed produce fruit a hundred fold.

Praying for your success in Christ!

God you are awesome, there is nothing that you cannot do and no heart that you cannot heal. Lord I ask right now in the name of Jesus that you touch deep within, that we allow you to fully do the inner work and that our faith in you truly makes us whole. God we will stick to your word like glue and grow in our faith. We commit to your word receiving it as all truth for our lives. Even though we acknowledge that we are hurting, we acknowledge you as God and the completion that we need for our healing. We believe in all faith that the work you started, you will finish. In Jesus name I pray Amen*

Saturday, November 13, 2010

In a File called Miscellaneous...............................

In a file labeled miscellaneous.

In a file called miscellaneous I am a self-created narcissist. As a child I would escape to my imagination often. I would search through to the file called miscellaneous and live there. In that file I was the most beautiful, popular, intelligent girl ever- my reality had somewhat different results.

In that file I hid false truths that I hid in as well as traumatic experiences I never wished to share or encounter again.

Everyone has there vice, all mine were put in the file called miscellaneous. In that file I stored all my hurts, failures, fears, and trauma and shifted things to my own created reality.

Abusive childhood, miscellaneous.

Molestation, miscellaneous.

Parents Divorce, miscellaneous.

Loss of the sense of self worth, miscellaneous.

Virginity lost to a creep, miscellaneous.  The birth of self-destructive behavior, miscellaneous. Rape, miscellaneous. Repetitive failure, miscellaneous. Depression, miscellaneous. etc, etc, etc, miscellaneous.

As I am going through a spiritual inventory and assessing God's facts and satan's fiction for my life I realize that the file called miscellaneous is crippling and huge. Although I have made major strides in Christ I am in a bit of a lull due to the file called miscellaneous. The file takes me back to childhood and leaves me there weeping for resolve. Ah, miscellaneous....... psssst, I hate you!

In my last blog I planned to give a play by play of my separation and the triumph in the trusting. Well, things did not turn out the way I would have imagined. I became overcome with work, overwhelmed with school and over stretched in ministry and as we know when one is pulled in a hundred directions it is only a matter of time before *SNAP* something breaks. That something, was me. I became overburdened with depression and an influx of negative thoughts and the feeling of uncontrollable emotions flooded my mind.

In the world of miscellaneousity, I am important and people want to hear what I have to say. Every opinion is valued and treated great all the time. Ha, too bad that is not the case but the case is that I need to delete the file to really live. No false reality, no cover ups, just life and that more abundantly. You see in this time of my life and in this blog my plea was to get to know the Lord, for real, for real. I have been seeing Him and me, and in the me part lies too much clutter.

It's funny because I thought that just simply giving things up I would get there, not quite. Sometimes I would take God with me and sometimes I would leave Him behind. Sometimes I would endure and have the victory in Him and others I would run for my life and ask for death like Elijah. (I am smiling) this reminds me of a time where I thought I was surely losing my mind. In a moment of panic and utter despair I cried out to God "What do you want from me?" and He replied "YOUR LIFE". As the words echoed through the core of my soul I sat there and weeped. I thought I had given all, I thought I had submitted and every time I look there was yet another hindrance from the relationship that I desire.

I desire that love like two straws in a milkshake in a fifties diner kinda love, that stay up all night talking on the phone about how wonderful you are kinda love, that I was made for you and you me kinda love- that intimacy. That love that I can freely open my mouth and shout and sing without care kinda love. That wanna preach your love all over the world no matter of the consequence kinda love. That love you regardless if you don't love me kinda love-because He loves me, when I didn't love me and I wanna be like Him so in everything I do I pursue loving you kinda love. That never afraid kinda love.

You know what I mean? I want that.

The relationship I have now is not good enough. I want something more, a fresh kinda love.

God is so wonderful in all His ways and He is within reach. His love is comparable to none and even in a place where I am being reconstructed for His glory, I can still see that. So awesome in power, compassionate in His approach-that kinda love.

That kinda love pushed me to get rid of the miscellaneous file. The folder is blocking that kinda love. The rehearsal of pain keeps me from it, so it must go. So friends, I am getting rid of it-

What about you?

Thursday, August 12, 2010

I am NOT Forgotten! Waiting in the Wilderness and Building Faith in the Process*

"Truly this duckling wants to go with the others but God may have something different in mind. Patience little ducky, don't worry you are not forgotten* She isn't flying yet but just you wait and see." Libster*


I love the seasons where God is right there, where you can feel Him so close its scary. You wake up with the residue all over you from the night before of worship and just basking in His presence. When you know He is walking with you and that added ounce of confidence plummets your faith into a whole new realm. It's such a great experience. Yet, sometimes we don't "feel" God and our faith comes in in knowing that He is still with you even though you see no remnants of change or progress. This place can be uncomfortable, lonely, and scary.............Welcome to the Wilderness*

The wilderness is often seen as a bad place, punishment, or unexpected torture. That's how I viewed it too, until the Lord began to reveal Himself in the process. Although it can be hard to see but the wilderness is a time of preparation for the promise. The wilderness allows you to develop for the destiny, how cool right? The true school of success taught my no other than the Holy Spirit Himself-it gets no better than that.

TO BE CONTINUED.............................................................

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Running for my Life: Revelation for the Race- Part 2 (Reality, Faith, Fight)

I stopped running.

Right in mid-stride, I stopped running.

I made one mistake and I became not only my worst critic but my worst enemy, and I stopped running.

Well, my last blog submission was in June, it is now August and so much has happened. I have had major victories, minor setbacks, but nothing compares to the illusion of defeat-because that's where I lost my focus for a minute (and mind temporarily).

I was doing so well, I was so high spirited, so encouraged, I had what I believed to be so much faith in tomorrow and what God had for me and at the first indication of a season change, I lost it. I felt the cool wind of change and got intimidated. Where is the harvest I asked? I had nothing, The Lord was stripping me naked and I would lose more each day that I used to use in the past to cover me. (i.e. defense mechanisms, addictions, and diversions.) I was running out of covering- my covering. In this place standing at the door of total submission, I freaked out and turned to run in the direction of temporary fixes but in my sprint to the deceptive safety, I began to slow down and look around. There was no denying the emptiness and lack that lied in the lies of the temporary fix. (Overindulge in food, buying a new outfit, etc.) Didn't matter, doesn't work and at the end of the day your pockets will  be empty, your heart broken, and you will be unhealthy first inside, then out.


When I tell you my flesh was dying, this mess was going bonkers. I thought I was going mad with all the chaos from the internal battle. Prayer was essential and I was holding on like a mountain climber from a sharp peak. Dependency........ what does this word mean to a 28 year old woman that was born to hustle, to make it work, shoot, just to make it. I have always done my own thing, if I ran into a snag, ok- don't panic, you will figure it out, you always do-you have to. I would do exactly that, figure it out. By my own mind, will, and emotions- the best recipe for death and indecisiveness. So when the Lord began to begin working with me on this real relationship that I was seeking and total dependence in him, oh the strings began to unravel rather rapidly. There I stood in something I despised more than anything, vulnerable.

Last week was quite a rough week for me, things were just coming at me in every direction and I was trying to take things one at a time. I was praying, speaking life, reading word, fighting the battle within my mind but as I was working, so was God. Oh boy, I vividly remember times last week where I was so overcome with everything I busted out in tears. I cried everywhere, in my commute to work, at work, on break, at home, in bed- I asked myself, what is happening to me? Although all the while I knew, my flesh was dying and war has never been waged on it like this before. So the battle was on, one time in particular I cried in frustration because I wanted to do something that my flesh desired and I knew I couldn't even go there, its wasn't my time, and I cried. In the tears and through the fight I stumbled upon an oasis. Yes, I thought! Rest and relaxation (boy was I wrong). I looked, considered the thing, and turned to the MIRAGE, that's right mirage. I lost my focus and stopped running.


Now interestingly enough my life in marathon training seems to prophetically illustrate my spiritual journey. I hadn't gone to practice in 2 weeks, I became busy, distracted, and I stopped running.  I had to miss one practice that was necessary. Although soon I began to justify reasons as to why I should miss others. I was tired, I had a lot to do, I didn't feel like it. Hmmmmmm, so it was no surprise that when I stepped on the trail to run a quick 5 mile run that I met injury head on. In the beginning I was on a roll with the peak crew leading the team. Although I had not only missed corporate practice but the individual training was now almost non-existent, and I realized I once again my issue-endurance. (sigh) By the end of the run I had two strong shinsplints entertaining each leg and a charlie horse in the arch of one of my feet. Not to mention, I was tired. As I watched each person pass me I thought to myself "you don't train, you don't win." I was one of the last people to return to the starting line that day and I understood what had been missing.

I would fight, go to battle with satan, myself and then just about breakthrough time- I tap out. I get tired. Well in my reading I have been coming across a wealth of revelation through scripture and I need to apply it and have my faith worked out. This was to elevate me to another level in Him and my reaction showed that I need to grow in faith and pray more for understanding- deeper revelation. I will not be thrown by this setback but educated on my stance and where I need to improve. I have challenge all around me and I need to run to the feet of the only one who an take away the pain, erase the anxiety, and comfort my soul-JESUS CHRIST. I need to become like Mary and weep at His feet and give up my soul to Him entirely- no strings attached. I cannot let the distractions keep me from my goal of a REAL RELATIONSHIP WITH CHRIST. Now do not get me wrong, I have a relationship with Christ but I want to know him like Paul and Peter, I want Him to be able to work mightily through me and manifest Himself through me to help others. I want this death so that I can know resurrection, I want abundant life.

My soul is out of whack and it needs to be under subjection. I see it clearly, the Lord told me I need the mind of a child, trusting Him in all things. I never knew the complexity of deprogramming until I came to Christ. Even things I see with my eyes, I have to run past God an ensure I am directed correctly in prayer. Constantly asking His will be done and asking "How to I address this thing". I think that is the answer to being a Christ carrier, going back to the basics-

Luke 9:23-24 (NIV) Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." This exposes the action that needs to take place for me on a regular basis, not anywhere does it mention stopping. I want to lose my life for Him and must DO THE WORK.

Proverbs 3: 5-6 (Message) Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. This kills my methodology of temporary fixes, just trust God and pray and my soul can be settled that I am on track.

Philippians 4:6 (New Living Translation) Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Often I fight depression over the past and hope for the future, direction in life, or trying to do things in my own strength. This scripture has come alive in me in a new way as I am learning about blind faith and dependency. Worry = not trusting God, I must give EVERYTHING TO HIM. Hopes, dreams, fears, anxiety and this has been such a hard process for me, vulnerability, expressing need. I developed into quite the prideful person as I was raised to do it own my own and to "make it" so this part is ripping me up- but it is so worth it, I know it.

This season comes with so much of its own. Since the death of my grandmother and parents divorce I have struggled with abandonment. Now in this season I have 7 people that I have grown close to over time moving away - most to pursue education. I have never been good with separation and in an effort to stay sane and be "ok". I would create psychological distance in order to accept the concept of their absence. However, it has never been this many before, one being my best friend. It's funny because pretty much everyone that I hang out with from church is in this group, now what? God says "build new relationships".  I am thinking, let me get this straight. Not only are you stripping me of everything I do to cover up but you are taking away my comfort zones and people too. And I can't isolate, or become a hobbit? Whew........

Well for now I think I have spilled enough. I am going to write a continuation of this blog within the next couple of days. I will take you on the painful  yet beautiful journey of change and how I run to Christ for my comfort- I am believing in growth.

If you don't take anything from my life (or better yet, death) know that it's all worth it. I express my pain and frustration in an effort to show you that it is real and common, you are not alone. It is just as challenging for everyone but with God we can make it out and make it in a REAL RELATIONSHIP with Him. Stay tuned, you are growing.



Friday, June 4, 2010

Running for my life: Revelation through the Race

It's been a while............

March, April, May, June- Eureka! It took a while for me to get to the point that I could publish a blog- that's right PUBLISH A BLOG. I would sit, write, but it just wasn't right, it wasn't real. So, rather than compromising the authenticity of the the blog and my character by posting fairy tales, I chilled, and in that chilling I was never led to press "Publish Post".

Well, where do I start so much has happened, so much. The last blog I wrote was about intimacy in relationship and boy did I miss the warning coming on that one. Immediately there after I incurred so much warfare. Busyness, distraction, and temptation came to steal time and focus and it was working. I got to a place that I looked around and saw that I was active, moving but there was such a void present. This void was not to be ignored, regardless of what was going on I would always sense that missing link-that link was  Christ.

I needed more of Him and that was the push to write the last entry originally, how to gain a deeper relationship through abiding. In this past months I have been getting broken away from me. It became more clear daily that I was the one that blocked my growth, relationship, and success in Christ. Sometimes I would just sit and cry as the demons of diminishment, condemnation, and yesterday would haunt me. I would weaken in their threats and respond like a weakling- in defeat. Somewhere after that I would have to fight the numbness to act on what I knew, and some nights I wouldn't recover but chose depression. Thank God that it didn't end up worse and that God stopped me in my tracks-Reality Check Kiddo!!!!

During what I would call to be the worst part of this lull the Lord led me to join a running club. Now, first thing I thought was that I definitely do not have time for this, my schedule is packed and I am fighting being overwhelmed daily. Well, God was persistent and not only did I join the club but I joined a 5K training course as well.  I was amazed at the structure of the organization and the determination of its members. Little did I know the Lord has a lesson of His own wrapped up in this extracurricular activity.

Discipleship and character training through an organized sport? If I am not learning anything else  I am learning to take the limits off God. Don't box Him up! Watch God work................

So I joined the club and joined the 5K program, Praise God! First thing I did was go to Under Armor and get some cute running gear. Now this is before the first practice. (And I was not trying to get a husband on the track Ladies and Gentlemen, I am enrolled in the Beginner WOMEN'S Training Program-just had to put that out there, lol) Anyway, I got my cute workout gear to motivate me and was ready to run. The first day of practice was interesting, we were broken up into three heats (groups- according to speed). I was prest to find out what color the fast group was and was determined to be in that group. I thought to myself -I am a former high school track star, I am fit, and who is to say I can't be in that group? Well, that day- I made sure I was in front, that I would be noticed and that I would be where I believed I should be. Do you see where this is going?

Well I was switched to the blue group that day (the fast group) I made sure that I would always run in front and pushed myself to do more. Now, I am fast and I have good endurance however you cannot cheat in "Marathon Training"- you see this is my goal, ultimately running the Marine Corps marathon. Even with sprinting (running fast short distances) there is serious training however marathon training is different and the focus is on strength and endurance- exactly what I needed to work on with my christian walk.

It was interesting as I began to stand out and get praise I realized how uncomfortable that made me. I then saw myself working harder to stay within the expectations of others- it was such a trip. In long distance running you must know yourself, set your own pace, know your strengths and weaknesses, and build on those strengths. I realized I loved practice with the group and it motivated me to push but the individual training time would always be shortened, compromised, or skipped with other things I had to take care of that I deemed more important. One day I got a little snippet of what God was trying to do and began to pay more attention.

WHOA- I could have missed a huge lesson about the race for my life. The race that I was losing due to the expectations of others, poor self image, complacency, lack of faith, trust and fight. I realized that my focus was off course and highlighted the wrong things. The intimacy I desire cannot be found in a one night stand, sporadic dating, or uncommitted relationship. It takes it all. Recently my Pastor preached a sermon on loving in relationships and emphasized the risk in love and the fear that holds people back. (Hmmmmmmmm, afraid of what has never been seen or conceived.) Could it be that I am afraid of true love and that fear affects my stride? Sounds like it to me.

Just like you can't cheat in long distance running, you can't cheat with intimacy. The cry was loud and clear and I believe I let the fear of the depth of love scare me and I retreated. The race is real, not imaginary and is not going away. I can't look back at the training or opportunities missed but must move on from this point, determined to attain the grand romance- the way He (Christ) wants it.

I need to embrace that I am running for my life, to be continued.



Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Protecting the Intimacy in your Relationship

What is Intimacy?

According to Webster's Dictionary to be intimate is to be 1: intrinsic; also innermost 2: marked by very close association, contact, or familiarity 3. marked by a warm friendship 4: suggesting informal warmth or privacy 5: of a very personal or private nature.

Everyone craves intimacy, a relationship of closeness and love. In this new place of believing and faith we have to take weapons to help in each quest we embark on. As we desire intimacy we must use his word to inspire divine action:

So how do we get there? Fighting with Faith and Prayer, Meditation, Eagerly Seeking Him, Honestly- In Spirit and Truth (which is letting go of everything and letting God direct you-coming before him clean and free-leaving it all to him-patiently waiting for his directive), Reading, Absorbing, and Submitting.-All things will be made clear for his children, all paths will be made straight, clarity is yours-and so is God if you seek him.


Know that........

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those that love him.
James 1:12

Understand that tests will come in the very area that you are asking God about, do not fret. I have and am still learning that when we understand that in our weakness he is made strong (2 Corinthians 12: 9-10) we are closer than we think. In this passage of scripture (2 Corinthians 12: 9-10) Paul was asking God to take away what he saw as a block for him- he called it a thorn in his side, now God's answer can seem strange to some but consider this.......... would God get more glory out of of taking the issue away from Paul so he could continue with ministry or by allowing His grace to enable Paul to overcome the issue and allowing everyone to see that even though this is something that is there God's power is still greater- what you think?

Let us have patience in our deliverance processes and what God chooses for us to endure.
Be sure to........

So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purity your hearts, for you loyalty is divided between God and the world. Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor.
James 4: 7-10

Give yourself to God, and resist the devil's attempts to ensnare you. Sometimes we think it is so hard to fight the devil when usually all we have to do is resist him and he will go away. Often in our quest we come face to face with temptation. I am one that knows how real, true, and good this temptation is set up to look like-but temptation is just that, and it is the source of our own lust. (James 1:14) . That's why it so important to be lead to the next part of the scripture-cleansing (psalm 51 is good for this as well)

A Good Word on your Pursuit of Him..........

I will sing of your love and justice, Lord.
I will praise you with songs.
I will be careful to live a blameless life—
when will you come to help me?
I will lead a life of integrity
in my own home.
I will refuse to look at
anything vile and vulgar.
I hate all who deal crookedly;
I will have nothing to do with them.
I will reject perverse ideas
and stay away from every evil.
I will not tolerate people who slander their neighbors.
I will not endure conceit and pride.
I will search for faithful people
to be my companions.
Only those who are above reproach
will be allowed to serve me.
I will not allow deceivers to serve in my house,
and liars will not stay in my presence.
My daily task will be to ferret out the wicked
and free the city of the Lord from their grip.
Psalms 101

David was determined huh? Sounds like it. We should be the same rejecting, refusing, and not tolerating less than God's best for our lives.

The road to intimacy is a fight but the more you look into the love of God the easier it becomes and it seems as things that were important once just are not that important anymore. Your perspective changes your perception and there births healthy change.

I will retire this blog entry with the prayer from the book of Jude- verses 24-25

Now all glory to God, who is able to keep you from falling away and will bring you with great joy into his glorious presence without a single fault. All glory to him who alone is God, our Savior through Jesus Christ our Lord. All glory, majesty, power, and authority are his before all time, and in the present, and beyond all time! Amen.



P.S. Funny how there was a lot of warfare by distraction while I was trying to write this blog entry. Oh well- the demonic mission was ABORTED and God gets the glory! SCORE************ :)

Until next time*

Monday, February 8, 2010

Repeat Offenders: Breaking Away from Toxic Behavior and Using God's Wisdom BEFORE the Fall.

So, you did it again. Its the same thing as last time, __________________(place your vice there).

Have you ever considered yourself a repeat offender? Falling into a trap only to realize that you have been here before? Did this circumstance remind you of the picture above? Meaning that in an extreme time you resorted to seeking God because all your other options had been exhausted? What if we broke away from the mundane and embraced the miraculous? Once again I am at the place of mind renewal.

I desire intimacy but I act as if I am scared to receive it. I do not work for it like I should, so then I have to go back and ask the I want intimacy? No matter how much it hurts the true answer to this question is no. I allow the principalities and powers to distance me from building a real relationship.

I look at how I used to approach relationships, friendships, romantic interests, etc. I have never been a fan of the initial meeting, it made me very uncomfortable. To avoid the awkwardness of the first encounter, I chose to act as if I already knew you, we had a great relationship, and have been friends for life. This would work hands down every time but I was not aware of the golden nuggets lost or danger signs missed in trying to rush things in my own strength. Relationships cannot be manufactured, therefore I would always end up unsatisfied with where the relationship would go. Warnings and red flags cannot go up without the chance to get a feel for a person and their behavior. Things were rushed and everything needs time to develop. I look back and realize I applied that same "get friends quick scheme" to my relationship with God, how dumb.

What was my result you ask? Well, I found myself in a constant battle with the same things. My relationship with God was pretty bi-polar and unstable. I would find myself pleading to hear from God after I made a less than intelligent decision and I would have to suffer whatever consequences there were. I would think.................hmmmmmm something is wrong. Here I am bound again crying out to God about a mistake that I made before, how dumb..............did I learn my lesson after that? Nope.

The depths of the downward spiral of the ignorant are amazing. I am sure onlookers pray thinking, "How low will they go until they see it God, please have mercy on them." Well, in my case, I thank God for his mercy and the prayers of others. It took a long time to see the depths of my pain and how ignorant I was to the things of God through my trying to protect myself. I would desire a free life but when on parole I would mess up every time and get locked up all over again. Just like the picture, seeking the scriptures for an answer. Hindsight is truly 20/20 yeah, but so is God's word- his wisdom protects you from the chaos. I would get out of jail after a major offense, get on parole and about 6 months later, Mr. Perfect or better yet, Mr. Perfect TIMING, demonically assigned to get me off the mark by distraction. Worked EVERY time, my desire for marriage was strong and it seemed as if the counterfeits would get closer and closer to that image. This, would be what one of my fellow young adult leaders calls an "EPIC FAIL". As I grew in Christ the sin nature was starved more and more but not to the point of fully surrendering to the Lord. I went from having sex, to only messing around, to just kissing, to emotional relationships, to only realize that they get the same result- less than God's best for your life, conviction, fighting shame, guilt, depression, loss of self worth, confusion, gossip, chaos, drama, etc. It's like a demonic smorgasbord and I stand there as an idiot with the door open wide to get attacked because of MY OWN LUST for something I am not being patient for.


I had to learn and it took time, for me, A LOT OF TIME, but I learned and that is what's most important. Now I am committed to preserving purity, the wealth in waiting, and gaining character through Christ. Now i have loads of siblings in Christ-all healthy relationships and am patiently waiting for my MOG (as I affectionately call him which = Man of God) Although I must admit, I rather enjoy being a spokesperson for contentment in singleness. Just think, you can either enjoy your process or loathe it, which one will you choose? I choose to enjoy life.

God will not get played, he is like the Washington Post, "If you don't get it, you don't get it". So needless to say the half stepping is a waste of time and trust me on this don't go down that road, take the wisdom of someone who has travelled down the road (blessed to survive) nothing but death lives there. Submitting to the Lord can seem really scary however, that's the only way to do it AND God is with you. So sit back, relax and trust God- when you put things in his hands its like putting a car in cruise control or the plane on auto-pilot. He has it and knows exactly how to set the GPS for the next destination.

To wage war and reclaim your mind you need some weaponry- here is something to get you started:

Romans 12:2
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will

Romans 8:5
Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.

Romans 8:7
the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so.

Ephesians 4:22-24
22You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Colossians 3:2
Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

James 4:8
Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

1 Peter 1:13
[ Be Holy ] Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed

So you say, I have read the bible, prayed, am expecting change. Then I will challenge you, are you meditating, are you praying with the scriptures you have internalized, how you do conduct yourself in temptation? Do you fight in prayer or stand by idle? To be a believer is to believe that God's word is true. To believe that God's word is true is admitting that in some area you have not fully committed. I know I have honestly not done everything needed for full submission nor full transformation of the mind so, I choose to repent, move forward and commit to a time of study to get me there. You should join me.

For the next 30 days let's reboot. Let's allow God to reprogram our hard drive. This means starving your eyes, ears, hands and time to anything that is not producing Godly fruit. Hold your tongue, practice self control, and patience. Have faith, expect a change, and there will be.

On your mark, get set, GOOOOOOOO

Dear Lord,

We thank you for never leaving us and never forsaking us. We thank you for your mercy, lovingkindness, grace, and patience you show us. We repent for loss of heart, faith, and motivation when it comes to building a relationship with you. Lord, teach us through your word how to renew our minds and keep your word as our standard. God let us connect with your word by fighting weariness and fainting in well doing but allow us to reap as we continue in you. Let this mind be in us that is also in you. Let us openly allow your word to saturate our soil as good seeds have been planted.

I speak against any mental attack right now in the name of Jesus for anyone that wants to grow closer to you God. I cancel every assignment in the name of Jesus and speak victory even before we see results, I plead the blood over the minds of your children and ask that the things of God are made clear. God I thank you for clarity through your word-having full knowledge that nothing can disconnect us from you and what you have from us. satan is an accuser and has no real power we are not and will not be distracted by distress, confusion, lies, manipulation, abuse, discord, or division. We will walk victoriously as we learn to be KINGDOM THINKERS. I ask this in the mighty name of Jesus that makes all things possible for us.


Be like a post-it note and stick to it* YOU WILL SEE CHANGE~



Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall-when I lean to myself I always fall*

Time for change, there is a need.

Isaiah 59:1 says:

Listen! The Lord's arm is not to weak to save you, nor is his ear too deaf to hear you call.

I keep this word close to my heart as I travel to where he is, leaving all of me behind in search of something new.

In the journey of exploration and self discovery, many things are exposed as I open up for examination. In this grueling process I have let dreams die, be re-born, all the while struggling with faith and a sense of identity. I see that the deeper I go and the more I am exposed to the core, the more I have stood in the way of my dreams. As I have lost faith in the past day after day would go by where I was not motivated in my pursuit and I would stand by idle as life would pass me on the roadside. Well not anymore.

Through my struggles I have learned what I need to improve on my spiritual fight and where my faith walk is. A simple task can become a mountain when not dealt with. "Being made in His image", "Overcomer", and "Grace" have whole new meaning to me in this current place as I am understanding that with prayer and expectation for spiritual growth that His image is my goal- with that persecution, accusation, and purging. Although those things should not overshadow the growth, power, strength, peace, joy and relationship gained. The overcomer is what I was born to be, however sometimes the sight of the dragon makes me fearful of its fire but its just a scare tactic. The only fire I embrace is the refiners fire, that melts away me- destined to make me more like Him. It is when I decide to take captive of the thoughts and walk in His word that I can ever connect with who this overcomer in me is. Then there is grace, the ability to do it. This grace combined with faith propels me from fear to the place of the overcomer- I just need to move.

It may seem as if I am rambling on like a mad man trying to collect my thoughts, but rather I am someone who used to be mad trying to convey my thoughts to you, with a glad heart- he heals, delivers and gives us Liberty. A sound mind is a powerful gift from God and all those that have it should never fail to praise Him- I am so thankful.

The mirror has always been a scary thing to me from the imperfections on the surface (i.e. the occasional pimple, combination skin) to what lies deeply beneath (the deep wounds from the past), the mirror tells all. There is no hiding with God. The act of "keeping up appearances" is obsolete and you are exposed for what's in your heart. Aaaaaaaaaaaahh, what's in the heart? Sometimes I think there is more in my heart than I can compute. My dreams, desires, and motivations all lead toward the same thing-freedom for me and freedom for others. Freedom from situations, circumstances, but most of all freedom from ones self. Mirrors reflect, and as I internalize that fact- I think what am I reflecting daily? Could it be character and integrity or instability and confusion? I thank God for His Holy Spirit and word that draws me in often- when I go on a mental journey about how I am perceived.

I have gathered that I stand in the shoes of my own worst enemy at times. The battle of the flesh and pride is not anything I have not shared before, although my desire for change is. I have fallen recently into a huge hole of despair by my own doing and this is something that I plan to break this year. How can I be an agent for change if I behave as the world does- thrown to and fro with the wind. There has got to be something different.

Galatians 3:3 asks

How foolish can you be? After starting your Christian lives in the Spirit, why are you now trying to become perfect by your own human effort?

We cannot gain this thing called a relationship without death. Many avoid the grave but its the only way to live, just as we leave our earthly bodies to be with the Lord so we leave our earthly minds to take on the mind of Christ. Time for a reboot.

God's mirror reveals that I am intimidated by the work and lack the faith I need to get there.

I am on the "DO BETTER" campaign (a silly saying that a close friend developed to promote growth in all aspects, I concur)

I see I have some work to do.


New Goals
Celebrate Small Victories
Make the Most Out of Every Moment
Kill the flesh, DIE, DIE ,DIE
Remain Grateful-Praise Constantly
Make an Effort to Do what I Know I Ought

Friday, January 22, 2010

Living Water Immersion: Thirsty for More

Ah, the place of maturity.

As we grow into the individual that God wants us to be, the bible speaks of a pruning process (John 15: 1-2). I was blessed enough to get insight beforehand, I was shown that my process would be extremely difficult and move rather slowly and to my disappointment things began to manifest rather quickly that prove its challenges. In all honesty, I was saddened, fought and continue to fight discouragement, despair, and unbelief. I am faced with the options of defeat or putting my faith in destiny, I choose life. The desire for clarity and character grow and I was thrust into the wilderness. I can talk about the difficulties but most often I see that my expression is hardly ever understood and in my frustration I cry to God.............What is there Lord? Sometimes we need divine motivation that only Christ can provide. In the place of separation and purging is when we need to be the closest to Him. The old cliches "Hang in there, It's around the corner, and it is only but for a season" are not what I need to hear in this season. My heart needs more, I have to get the word to another measure, something deeper. This surface that I have broken through has provoked hunger. As it is cannot live by bread alone but we live by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. (Matthew 4:4, Luke 4:4)

I am being exposed by the Lord and it seems as if my flaws are magnified. I am being ripped and it is quite a painful. However I was informed of the process so now I have to do all that I know how and after all else stand. Hebrews 12 brought me much comfort-explaining the love of God through discipline. In this season the word has the opportunity to become living like never before. I am at the brink of total submission as I am being refined by the fire. The flames are burning and I must admit retreat is surely a temptation in this season. So the need to constantly renew my mind is clearer that ever. I notice the sneers of those around me and the unbelief that God can do anything with me, its hard. However the place of maturity is a place where you have hit the crossroad. Life, Death? Which one will you choose? The lies of the enemy and your own eyes can act as the biggest
block from the promises. Saturation and application of the word of God is my only hope for survival and the only way to build my relationship while laying down to die in order to rise!

Determined for Transformation,


Saturday, January 16, 2010

GET REAL: From the ICU to Recovery*

I was born into this world with a major birth defect, because I did not get proper treatment, my condition got worse. I developed several complications and injuries because I did not go through surgery as a child. Now as an adult, I am just recovering from major heart and brain surgery. Even though my new organs were accepted I feel a resistance like no other, my body didn't reject my new blessings but the warfare pretends as if it did-so the need to fight increases and this time I am fighting for my life.

Many false images of God try to co-exist in our belief of who Christ is. Apathy grows as people lose heart and gain self in a quest to grow spiritually or indulge in religiosity. To know Christ is to deny self-the flesh acts as our worst enemy. Past pain creates a sense of entitlement-believing we are deserving of better. The new heart is necessary to really know Christ, we are incapable of real understanding with it.

There is a newness in the wind, God is doing a mighty work. The call for surgery is loud and clear.

The heart and the mind must be put under the authority of the Father's will for your life. Even though the word had come to me on several occasions about the heart and mind, its connection, and its importance for perspective and growth in Christ, I missed the message and continued to walk in the detrimental behavior that kept my mind bound and my heart decayed. The decision to get surgery is the most important and acts as the beginning stages to liberty in Christ.

This decision is simply Mark 8:34-35:

Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 35For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it.

It took me awhile to realize that it was me that stood in the way to separate me from the desired relationship with God. According to Genesis we are made in His image and His likeness, we have dominion and power, with Christ living in us, where is the disconnect? It has to lie in the fact that we do not internalize, receive, or understand that truth. There is an absence of the true fear of God, which is the beginning of wisdom.

Proverbs 1:7:

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction.

Does is not make sense? If you don't reverence God as you should you can never understand. When we hear the word fear we think one thing, this fear is not however, the fear of hell, torment, and punishment but the true acknowledgement of who He is and everything God encompasses. The true fear of the Lord is a positive quality, in Hebrew this kind of fear is called yirah. This fear should motivate and inspire a response that parallels with God's word and purpose for your life. If we realized his greatness the need to please Him would increase. The all knowing, all seeing God should put fear in the hearts of man, for He shall not be mocked and every seed planted will produce a harvest, get it? Many operate in lawlessness and totally disregard God's word and warnings when it comes to something the flesh desires. We choose to indulge in that thing and then later repent. So we have satisfied the flesh first and think about God later-this is not abundant living, in this instance Christ was not acknowledged, nor was the Father's will considered.

Let's look at the woman at the well. Where was her heart? God knew her when she didn't even know herself. He instructed her "Go get your husband" I look at that piece because many of us try to pretend and fake as if we have it all together but He knows all. She answered honestly from her current position and that's what God expects of us. How can we repent if we don't take ownership of our mishaps? Do you see how we act as our own stumbling blocks?

Realize your need for the Lord and go to Him for the surgery. He will not deny you. Please search your heart and seek truth, what is real versus the generic. God isn't compared to anything else and He has no substitutions. The void we have can only be filled by Christ. No substitutions necessary.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

At the Brook; Thirsty for Living Water

As the deer pants for the water so my soul longs after you, I am thirsty and want your water Lord. I am at the brook Jesus. As I bend in submission to drink from your source, saturate me with all you are. Enlighten my eyes, create a new heart with a steadfast willing spirit in me, let me only have eyes for you.

A love so deep, a life so rich, a sacrifice so great..................HE IS

Lord we meet you with earnest expectation parched and needing you. Quench our thirst as we continue to seek you in everything.

We are knocking.................

I see that the hunger for more is a corporate desire in the Kingdom, to know God, to recognize Him, and live for His glory. The breaking of ideologies, traditions, and false relationships is sweeping through the hearts of His people. The truth is splitting the hearts and revealing the truth that lies in us. Once the light of truth is shone, you can no longer live in the dark. It is time to return to your first love, embrace Christ as your Savior and go hard for God*

locked into Christ,


Monday, January 4, 2010

Worship as a Lifestyle ( 2010-The Newness)

It's 2010, a new decade, a new year, and there should be a NEW YOU. As time passes we discover, we learn, and grow. God's word grooms us into his image, its a tough road breaking away from ourselves but the reward is eternal.

Before the start of 2010, I declared this the year of awakening and I choose to believe it. This year is a monumental year in my life, my spirit is being stirred to work in ways I never have before, to abandon the old that has not proven to bring me good success and to embrace a tenacious spirit in the things of the Lord. My focus has changed to total dependence on the word of God, prayer, and worship.

I simply love worship, my spirit leaps at the chance to praise my God through song. I am not a dancer however I just have the desire to flow with the spirit as I sing my love unto Him. The shift is huge an unrecognizable, like nothing I have ever experienced before. The warmth of his presence resting on me is addicting and I long to stay in that place, of peace, stillness, and what feels to be endless time.

My desire is to transition into a place where I can experience that same thing in prayer, in service, in my obedience to His word, and in the operation of my God given gifts. I do experience that in those areas but as I stated before this time is different and my expectation has heightened. I want to experience God and have the intimacy grow. I have a new hunger and thirst that only the King can satisfy and I plan to receive all he has for me.

My mindset has changed, His voice is clear, and I have being taken through a major heart transplant to connect everything together. A lot of my personality transitioned from joy and liberty (as a small child) to defensiveness and bondage from abuse, low self esteem and the lawlessness of my youth. I thank God that through all the pain that I still had a chance to be his child. HIs love is like nothing in this world.

God already has proven himself to be a healer and restorer of breaches this early in the year and I am grateful. I pray that my faith increases in the change. A woman of great faith, character, and integrity-there lies my heart's desire. (for God and God alone.) Meditating on Hebrews 12 and the need for discipline, the reward of righteous living and the peace connected to it!
I am aiming for great faith, like Abraham- in Libby*.

So if you have been following my blog, you remember that this year is a focus on God like never before and I am not to entertain the concept of marriage at all- a desire of my heart-but, I must wait on Him and listen closely. I know the Lord is preparing my Man of God as I am being prepared as well. I do know that he is on his way. I also know how the devil works and how he will attempt to pull out all the stops in an effort to have me miss out, lose faith, and forfeit the promise, so-gotta stay focused.

I have already been asked on a date (which I cannot attend in full knowledge of my commitment to the Lord and the personal mandate for my development). I am excited, my spiritual eyes are being sharpened for that one in the process. I will know how to recognize the one God has hand crafted for me with out confusion-how marvelous* I am eternally grateful for the opportunity to start anew and am taking full advantage of everything I have in life with Christ.

I look forward to the growth.

This year, do something different! Laugh, love and live hard-for Christ. Get a new heart, new mindset and a fresh perspective. Act like you have a God that can exceed your expectation, have faith, and be amazed.