Monday, November 15, 2010
I woke up and was in a lull and had been in that lull since the end of October. This was one of the hardest moments to shake in my life, I thank God it's over.
How did I get over this lull? Well as simple and minor as it may sound I came to a place of thanksgiving, contentment, and reflection over a fried chicken dinner prepared with love. (Never doubt the power of how God uses others to speak, even when it is not directly to the situation you would be surprised of the jewels you can discover)
I still functioned and operated but definitely a time where I would say I was out of season.
So heavy, burdened, and depressed. I mean, there were things that were happening both good and bad but there was a numbness present but, it did not start out that way. I remember it clearly, I had a moment of extreme heaviness and sadness and the poor decisions followed suit. Now usually a person would get down about that but by this point I was numb and could not understand why. I shouted out to God, "What is happening to me" and God being peaceful and unmoved by my rage would give a response like "Your flesh is being put to death". Now I felt that I had "put the flesh to death" before and still doing that but I have never experienced anything like what I went through recently.
I think its funny how I believed myself to be so invisible and undetected by everyone but God made it clear that people see the struggle and are only instructed to pray- its part of my process. How can you be angry for something you asked for? In this midst of false doctrine and false teachers of the word, in my experiences coming up in ministry and unbiblical views that were inducted by tradition and others family ties, I grew a disgust for falsehood and the misrepresentation of God. (Thank God: I was lead to a place and leaders that have FULL confidence in God's word and the importance of finding and knowing Him for yourself, divine set up huh? lol)
My whole life from that point was set on the passion of really "knowing Him". That is the very purpose of this blog, the journey of getting there. Not to be afraid to throw out everything and gain what is truth. The Lord told me in the beginning of the year that he is taking me back through everything-everything I thought I knew, but didn't, wasn't sure of, or had a question about. He wanted me to have what I asked for, truth. He wanted me to have confidence in the things that I knew but then doubted once someone disagreed. I find it so funny that people ask for things from God and then are upset with the method He chooses for us. (myself included)
I know how this whole downslide started, God was taking me on a journey. I was told that for the path He was taking me on I needed to have "GREAT FAITH", oh ok, I thought- that's easy enough right? lol So I started praying for that great faith. When I say all hell broke loose, it did. I was told I was being made "thick-skinned, and a fighter". My feelings were constantly hurt and the emotions were like fire crackers on the 4th of July. Now, I ladies and gentlemen battled with suppression which birthed depression, then oppression-(I know I will be covering this in a later blog). When I would get hurt regardless of how "well" it appeared to be handled- that night it was on, the battle of the mind, will, and emotions would go to work. So midway through the journey I took a seat, so God waited. I realized that every time major events would happen that were pivotal to my spiritual growth- anything and everything would happen. I battled through some major times and then, I ran.
I ran like Elijah from the threat of Jezebel, sprinted like an Olympic hopeful and ended up, well, I don't know where I ended up. Versus an angel coming to my aid (prob had those too but didn't take notice) God stepped in and needless to say I got some of the heartfelt and some of the harsh, whew, love is honest :)
Now I am about to eat some of the word and continue this journey. Its been very hard family, I have had some of the roughest times of my life in this season and I guess the downslot is that I am trying to hit things honestly and am grieving the injustice in a lot of things. My desire is that my heart will bleed for the people and that I have a heart of love and will stop at nothing for others to receive that. That my mind will be so set on God's word that I will not even be able to swallow a spoonful of anything else. Discernment sharpened, mind set, I'm willing-Let's go.
It's funny, I feel as if I am learning this light-walk in phases and seeing that in the past I had some good points and connecting those things to the new understanding. This introduces the understanding to the zealousness. The emphasis is on doing it purposely, with the right heart, being spirit-lead, in wisdom.
Teaching on healing is hard, the person is hurt and just wants a resolve but often times the resolve they want is what they avoid and the difficulty is in the longsuffering, patience, intercession, and love that has to be poured out regardless of their response. Everything my life has stood for spiritually connects to one thing-Christ, (duh, lol) and everyone's need for Him. He is breaking me down to build me back up. I know the hardships by experience, ministry of others, and by keeping my ear to the ground. (hearing what others around me endure).
I am humbled and honored by the call to serve and spread the truth. To give people the invitation to the party of life. That rocks* Perception is the key, in the midst of the chaos- do you see what God is doing? Sometimes the gentle reminder of what you need in Him is enough to settle the soul. Word to emphasize the work that is being done in the inside and the birthing of that character that makes the destiny lasting.
Remember if you are not fighting, not working, not seeking, you are the host of your very own extravagant pity celebration-cut the lights, put the champagne away, and exit- its time to work!
Do a self-examination. Where do you stand? Ask God to help you in those areas and allow Him to. Get word that promotes God's plan, have faith, fight anything that stands in your way with THE WORD, stand in the midst after you have done everything, have faith, trust God, and SOAR*
Father God in the Name of Jesus, I thank you for the lives of all that read this blog and are in search of something in you. I pray that my transparency blesses and promotes action to seek you even more. Lord show yourself in their lives and show them the importance of dependency and trust in your word. I pray for faith through the rough patches and humility in the green pastures. I speak God's full fold blessings over their lives and pray Lord, that you give them the insight to fight and endure through all trials. I pray for the understanding of victory and that eyes will be opened (including my own). God help us grow in you and as we, yield do everything you need to for our wholeness- put us back in the kiln, break the branches, do the work- we trust you. I love you with an unspeakable love and pray all these things in faith in the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
It is in the that moment that He says, "Have faith".
Then something beautiful happens, you gird up your loins, pull up your bootstraps and apply that faith and use the very word of God (the facts) to encourage yourself.
Never give up, regardless of what your eyes see- the life lies in your faith in God. Things will NOT always be this way. You will have everything that God has promised you + some.
So look in the mirror confidently and rehearse the good things, speak the word over your own life in the midst of discouragement. be thankful for all God has done and REMEMBER THE GOOD THINGS, remember all He has brought you through (this is no different) and watch as the diminishment melts away and your faith in God increases. You can do it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFNHmA9a2gI (Song Encourage Yourself, Enjoy)
As I am embarking on one of the most difficult strides in my race, I need to be the cheerleader for myself as I am for others. Relentless in pursuit and bubbling over with love*
I encourage you to grow and encourage yourself in the midst of the storm. Push for that dependency in God and exercise your faith! Speak it aloud and water the good seeds and have the good seed produce fruit a hundred fold.
Praying for your success in Christ!
God you are awesome, there is nothing that you cannot do and no heart that you cannot heal. Lord I ask right now in the name of Jesus that you touch deep within, that we allow you to fully do the inner work and that our faith in you truly makes us whole. God we will stick to your word like glue and grow in our faith. We commit to your word receiving it as all truth for our lives. Even though we acknowledge that we are hurting, we acknowledge you as God and the completion that we need for our healing. We believe in all faith that the work you started, you will finish. In Jesus name I pray Amen*
Saturday, November 13, 2010
In a file called miscellaneous I am a self-created narcissist. As a child I would escape to my imagination often. I would search through to the file called miscellaneous and live there. In that file I was the most beautiful, popular, intelligent girl ever- my reality had somewhat different results.
In that file I hid false truths that I hid in as well as traumatic experiences I never wished to share or encounter again.
Everyone has there vice, all mine were put in the file called miscellaneous. In that file I stored all my hurts, failures, fears, and trauma and shifted things to my own created reality.
Abusive childhood, miscellaneous.
Parents Divorce, miscellaneous.
Loss of the sense of self worth, miscellaneous.
Virginity lost to a creep, miscellaneous. The birth of self-destructive behavior, miscellaneous. Rape, miscellaneous. Repetitive failure, miscellaneous. Depression, miscellaneous. etc, etc, etc, miscellaneous.
As I am going through a spiritual inventory and assessing God's facts and satan's fiction for my life I realize that the file called miscellaneous is crippling and huge. Although I have made major strides in Christ I am in a bit of a lull due to the file called miscellaneous. The file takes me back to childhood and leaves me there weeping for resolve. Ah, miscellaneous....... psssst, I hate you!
In my last blog I planned to give a play by play of my separation and the triumph in the trusting. Well, things did not turn out the way I would have imagined. I became overcome with work, overwhelmed with school and over stretched in ministry and as we know when one is pulled in a hundred directions it is only a matter of time before *SNAP* something breaks. That something, was me. I became overburdened with depression and an influx of negative thoughts and the feeling of uncontrollable emotions flooded my mind.
In the world of miscellaneousity, I am important and people want to hear what I have to say. Every opinion is valued and treated great all the time. Ha, too bad that is not the case but the case is that I need to delete the file to really live. No false reality, no cover ups, just life and that more abundantly. You see in this time of my life and in this blog my plea was to get to know the Lord, for real, for real. I have been seeing Him and me, and in the me part lies too much clutter.
It's funny because I thought that just simply giving things up I would get there, not quite. Sometimes I would take God with me and sometimes I would leave Him behind. Sometimes I would endure and have the victory in Him and others I would run for my life and ask for death like Elijah. (I am smiling) this reminds me of a time where I thought I was surely losing my mind. In a moment of panic and utter despair I cried out to God "What do you want from me?" and He replied "YOUR LIFE". As the words echoed through the core of my soul I sat there and weeped. I thought I had given all, I thought I had submitted and every time I look there was yet another hindrance from the relationship that I desire.
I desire that love like two straws in a milkshake in a fifties diner kinda love, that stay up all night talking on the phone about how wonderful you are kinda love, that I was made for you and you me kinda love- that intimacy. That love that I can freely open my mouth and shout and sing without care kinda love. That wanna preach your love all over the world no matter of the consequence kinda love. That love you regardless if you don't love me kinda love-because He loves me, when I didn't love me and I wanna be like Him so in everything I do I pursue loving you kinda love. That never afraid kinda love.
You know what I mean? I want that.
The relationship I have now is not good enough. I want something more, a fresh kinda love.
God is so wonderful in all His ways and He is within reach. His love is comparable to none and even in a place where I am being reconstructed for His glory, I can still see that. So awesome in power, compassionate in His approach-that kinda love.
That kinda love pushed me to get rid of the miscellaneous file. The folder is blocking that kinda love. The rehearsal of pain keeps me from it, so it must go. So friends, I am getting rid of it-
What about you?