Saturday, November 13, 2010
In a File called Miscellaneous...............................
In a file called miscellaneous I am a self-created narcissist. As a child I would escape to my imagination often. I would search through to the file called miscellaneous and live there. In that file I was the most beautiful, popular, intelligent girl ever- my reality had somewhat different results.
In that file I hid false truths that I hid in as well as traumatic experiences I never wished to share or encounter again.
Everyone has there vice, all mine were put in the file called miscellaneous. In that file I stored all my hurts, failures, fears, and trauma and shifted things to my own created reality.
Abusive childhood, miscellaneous.
Parents Divorce, miscellaneous.
Loss of the sense of self worth, miscellaneous.
Virginity lost to a creep, miscellaneous. The birth of self-destructive behavior, miscellaneous. Rape, miscellaneous. Repetitive failure, miscellaneous. Depression, miscellaneous. etc, etc, etc, miscellaneous.
As I am going through a spiritual inventory and assessing God's facts and satan's fiction for my life I realize that the file called miscellaneous is crippling and huge. Although I have made major strides in Christ I am in a bit of a lull due to the file called miscellaneous. The file takes me back to childhood and leaves me there weeping for resolve. Ah, miscellaneous....... psssst, I hate you!
In my last blog I planned to give a play by play of my separation and the triumph in the trusting. Well, things did not turn out the way I would have imagined. I became overcome with work, overwhelmed with school and over stretched in ministry and as we know when one is pulled in a hundred directions it is only a matter of time before *SNAP* something breaks. That something, was me. I became overburdened with depression and an influx of negative thoughts and the feeling of uncontrollable emotions flooded my mind.
In the world of miscellaneousity, I am important and people want to hear what I have to say. Every opinion is valued and treated great all the time. Ha, too bad that is not the case but the case is that I need to delete the file to really live. No false reality, no cover ups, just life and that more abundantly. You see in this time of my life and in this blog my plea was to get to know the Lord, for real, for real. I have been seeing Him and me, and in the me part lies too much clutter.
It's funny because I thought that just simply giving things up I would get there, not quite. Sometimes I would take God with me and sometimes I would leave Him behind. Sometimes I would endure and have the victory in Him and others I would run for my life and ask for death like Elijah. (I am smiling) this reminds me of a time where I thought I was surely losing my mind. In a moment of panic and utter despair I cried out to God "What do you want from me?" and He replied "YOUR LIFE". As the words echoed through the core of my soul I sat there and weeped. I thought I had given all, I thought I had submitted and every time I look there was yet another hindrance from the relationship that I desire.
I desire that love like two straws in a milkshake in a fifties diner kinda love, that stay up all night talking on the phone about how wonderful you are kinda love, that I was made for you and you me kinda love- that intimacy. That love that I can freely open my mouth and shout and sing without care kinda love. That wanna preach your love all over the world no matter of the consequence kinda love. That love you regardless if you don't love me kinda love-because He loves me, when I didn't love me and I wanna be like Him so in everything I do I pursue loving you kinda love. That never afraid kinda love.
You know what I mean? I want that.
The relationship I have now is not good enough. I want something more, a fresh kinda love.
God is so wonderful in all His ways and He is within reach. His love is comparable to none and even in a place where I am being reconstructed for His glory, I can still see that. So awesome in power, compassionate in His approach-that kinda love.
That kinda love pushed me to get rid of the miscellaneous file. The folder is blocking that kinda love. The rehearsal of pain keeps me from it, so it must go. So friends, I am getting rid of it-
What about you?