Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Running for my Life: Revelation for the Race- Part 2 (Reality, Faith, Fight)
Right in mid-stride, I stopped running.
I made one mistake and I became not only my worst critic but my worst enemy, and I stopped running.
Well, my last blog submission was in June, it is now August and so much has happened. I have had major victories, minor setbacks, but nothing compares to the illusion of defeat-because that's where I lost my focus for a minute (and mind temporarily).
I was doing so well, I was so high spirited, so encouraged, I had what I believed to be so much faith in tomorrow and what God had for me and at the first indication of a season change, I lost it. I felt the cool wind of change and got intimidated. Where is the harvest I asked? I had nothing, The Lord was stripping me naked and I would lose more each day that I used to use in the past to cover me. (i.e. defense mechanisms, addictions, and diversions.) I was running out of covering- my covering. In this place standing at the door of total submission, I freaked out and turned to run in the direction of temporary fixes but in my sprint to the deceptive safety, I began to slow down and look around. There was no denying the emptiness and lack that lied in the lies of the temporary fix. (Overindulge in food, buying a new outfit, etc.) Didn't matter, doesn't work and at the end of the day your pockets will be empty, your heart broken, and you will be unhealthy first inside, then out.
When I tell you my flesh was dying, this mess was going bonkers. I thought I was going mad with all the chaos from the internal battle. Prayer was essential and I was holding on like a mountain climber from a sharp peak. Dependency........ what does this word mean to a 28 year old woman that was born to hustle, to make it work, shoot, just to make it. I have always done my own thing, if I ran into a snag, ok- don't panic, you will figure it out, you always do-you have to. I would do exactly that, figure it out. By my own mind, will, and emotions- the best recipe for death and indecisiveness. So when the Lord began to begin working with me on this real relationship that I was seeking and total dependence in him, oh the strings began to unravel rather rapidly. There I stood in something I despised more than anything, vulnerable.
Last week was quite a rough week for me, things were just coming at me in every direction and I was trying to take things one at a time. I was praying, speaking life, reading word, fighting the battle within my mind but as I was working, so was God. Oh boy, I vividly remember times last week where I was so overcome with everything I busted out in tears. I cried everywhere, in my commute to work, at work, on break, at home, in bed- I asked myself, what is happening to me? Although all the while I knew, my flesh was dying and war has never been waged on it like this before. So the battle was on, one time in particular I cried in frustration because I wanted to do something that my flesh desired and I knew I couldn't even go there, its wasn't my time, and I cried. In the tears and through the fight I stumbled upon an oasis. Yes, I thought! Rest and relaxation (boy was I wrong). I looked, considered the thing, and turned to the MIRAGE, that's right mirage. I lost my focus and stopped running.
Now interestingly enough my life in marathon training seems to prophetically illustrate my spiritual journey. I hadn't gone to practice in 2 weeks, I became busy, distracted, and I stopped running. I had to miss one practice that was necessary. Although soon I began to justify reasons as to why I should miss others. I was tired, I had a lot to do, I didn't feel like it. Hmmmmmm, so it was no surprise that when I stepped on the trail to run a quick 5 mile run that I met injury head on. In the beginning I was on a roll with the peak crew leading the team. Although I had not only missed corporate practice but the individual training was now almost non-existent, and I realized I once again my issue-endurance. (sigh) By the end of the run I had two strong shinsplints entertaining each leg and a charlie horse in the arch of one of my feet. Not to mention, I was tired. As I watched each person pass me I thought to myself "you don't train, you don't win." I was one of the last people to return to the starting line that day and I understood what had been missing.
I would fight, go to battle with satan, myself and then just about breakthrough time- I tap out. I get tired. Well in my reading I have been coming across a wealth of revelation through scripture and I need to apply it and have my faith worked out. This was to elevate me to another level in Him and my reaction showed that I need to grow in faith and pray more for understanding- deeper revelation. I will not be thrown by this setback but educated on my stance and where I need to improve. I have challenge all around me and I need to run to the feet of the only one who an take away the pain, erase the anxiety, and comfort my soul-JESUS CHRIST. I need to become like Mary and weep at His feet and give up my soul to Him entirely- no strings attached. I cannot let the distractions keep me from my goal of a REAL RELATIONSHIP WITH CHRIST. Now do not get me wrong, I have a relationship with Christ but I want to know him like Paul and Peter, I want Him to be able to work mightily through me and manifest Himself through me to help others. I want this death so that I can know resurrection, I want abundant life.
My soul is out of whack and it needs to be under subjection. I see it clearly, the Lord told me I need the mind of a child, trusting Him in all things. I never knew the complexity of deprogramming until I came to Christ. Even things I see with my eyes, I have to run past God an ensure I am directed correctly in prayer. Constantly asking His will be done and asking "How to I address this thing". I think that is the answer to being a Christ carrier, going back to the basics-
Luke 9:23-24 (NIV) Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." This exposes the action that needs to take place for me on a regular basis, not anywhere does it mention stopping. I want to lose my life for Him and must DO THE WORK.
Proverbs 3: 5-6 (Message) Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. This kills my methodology of temporary fixes, just trust God and pray and my soul can be settled that I am on track.
Philippians 4:6 (New Living Translation) Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Often I fight depression over the past and hope for the future, direction in life, or trying to do things in my own strength. This scripture has come alive in me in a new way as I am learning about blind faith and dependency. Worry = not trusting God, I must give EVERYTHING TO HIM. Hopes, dreams, fears, anxiety and this has been such a hard process for me, vulnerability, expressing need. I developed into quite the prideful person as I was raised to do it own my own and to "make it" so this part is ripping me up- but it is so worth it, I know it.
This season comes with so much of its own. Since the death of my grandmother and parents divorce I have struggled with abandonment. Now in this season I have 7 people that I have grown close to over time moving away - most to pursue education. I have never been good with separation and in an effort to stay sane and be "ok". I would create psychological distance in order to accept the concept of their absence. However, it has never been this many before, one being my best friend. It's funny because pretty much everyone that I hang out with from church is in this group, now what? God says "build new relationships". I am thinking, let me get this straight. Not only are you stripping me of everything I do to cover up but you are taking away my comfort zones and people too. And I can't isolate, or become a hobbit? Whew........
Well for now I think I have spilled enough. I am going to write a continuation of this blog within the next couple of days. I will take you on the painful yet beautiful journey of change and how I run to Christ for my comfort- I am believing in growth.
If you don't take anything from my life (or better yet, death) know that it's all worth it. I express my pain and frustration in an effort to show you that it is real and common, you are not alone. It is just as challenging for everyone but with God we can make it out and make it in a REAL RELATIONSHIP with Him. Stay tuned, you are growing.