Monday, July 18, 2011
YIKES! Can I turn this in for a new one?
So, uh, well...........yeah, I need a new heart. It's not like Santa Claus can fulfill an order this huge (as if he exists, lol), I need the Lord.
Over time, past pains and hurts forgotten and covered, as I grew older the memories became faint and almost as if they never happened to me. Yet, the seedling and root remained and behaviors stemmed from that pain to mask and protect me today. Well, they have to go. This journey requires something deeper and a vulnerability that is incomparable to any previous effort.
Hi, my name is Liberty and I am a suppressor, I lock my feelings away in my heart and as a robot, I would reprogram myself to function (or so I thought) without emotions. The issue would die but the remnants would live deep within my heart. Now at maximum capacity, I have to get Jesus to do something with this heart. I can't improve this heart, I need a new one.
So let me first start by telling you the truth. As my blog family to maintain the integrity of this page I have to come by it honest and honest is exactly what you are going to get. Instead of the vague reference to things I am going through, I will be frank. I am a firm believer that honesty is the gateway to freedom so, may the transparency be used to connect with you, show you that God is all powerful and can do anything and that I am not perfect, make mistakes, and need God as much as you do.
The Gate to Freedom
So to be honest, let's discuss where I am right now. For years I have battled with certain concepts and the appearance of victory while I was being defeated internally. I have acted out irrationally, let my hurt consume me, and picked up several bad habits to protect myself. To be honest, people frighten me and have since childhood. The expectation from others would consume me and I would flee society. The bubbly jokester with the extrovert personality is far from it. To recharge, I need to be alone with God-period. I realize that most of my life was created from business teachings and the expectations of parents, friends, people I admire- etc. I got tired of keeping up appearances, some of my bad decisions led me to be hurt immensely. Some circumstances made my heart cold and I long for an internal revival.
So you ask, where are you? Here I am. I desired to live by faith and now, no job, moved out, took a huge leap of faith...... well, I am homeless. lol Not what you expected huh? Well yes, I am. With the finances drained and certain ties severed, I stand on God with no other option but to have faith, its all I have. When I say its hard, it is. Everything that could have gone wrong in the course of four days did. What took so long to establish was crumbled within four days. I became overwhelmed with things and needed to leave the area to settle the mind and really hear. I depended on the kindness of strangers for everything, my family took their usual role of not being supportive, however, this time was different. I did not get angry or make any scenes. I simply let them know that I envision more for my life and God had more for me than the life I was living. I forgave them for anything I had against them and left, it was hard for them to conceptualize but it was something they had to except- I was leaving. My dad poked his head in several days after the conversation to ensure that I did not leave. Of course I was packing and preparing to depart, on the day I left no one was home and it was quite a liberating experience. I was free.
You see, my home for me meant compromise and comfortable living. I could do whatever I wanted and have no accountability and never had to change, matter of fact, the environment spoke death for me. Depression loomed the walls and suppression was a regular practice. You could be dying and the elephant was standing in the room at full attention and no one would even inquire, so you die. No one around would notice because everyone is dying themselves in their own way. My challenges were merely another story, everyone believed that I would make it out because, hey I always have. My christian race went from running sprints to a slight jog, to taking a breath, to sitting down beside the track- not good enough. I would come across preachers who traveled the world and gave thousands of invitations to Christ out and my heart would leap. Any message on faith in God and overcoming the impossible (which sometimes is ourselves) would excite me. Then I would go back to the same life, the depression and compromise. Now it was really murdering me because it was very subtle. I was not drinking, drugging and acting completely out of my character but in the small ways Satan would come in, I would let him. This would lead to other opportunities for him to have control and I would give it up.
Am I called, yes. Am I certain, yes. Am I perfect, no. Do I struggle, yes. Do I need God more than anything in my life because I have tried a multitude of things in life only to realize that nothing works but Jesus.....ABSOLUTELY! Jesus is truly the way, the truth, and my life. I know that because I have been so close to losing myself, my life, and my mind several times. My intellect or foolish attempts to ground myself could not sustain me, only Jesus. When people would not have the words or treat me like garbage (their sandpaper method of ministering), or even my own battle with condemnation believing that it was for my own good- Jesus crept beside my bed as I cried and comforted me. I would even be haunted with horrific visions in which my life could end in an instant, in those moments God would only speak of his love. So no, no self-help, no friend, no job, no love, or no book, no hype spiritual encounters could cure this disease. I can't deal with substitutes, only Jesus, His blood. Just Jesus, my antidote.
This gets me to the heart. To walk in the new creature I MUST, walk with the new heart- not this one. God is sending me back to every place of defeat and gave me Joshua 7/8 to stand on. My next blog will expound on where I am, the reveal of scripture, and my illumination. Let me just say it is not what you think.
I pray your eyes are enlightened with Jesus is all his fullness and that you will never be the same.
Love you much,