You are Free! Drop the Luggage and Run!!!!!

¹Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,
 ²Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.                                 
                                                                  Hebrews 12:1-2


This scripture is such a wealthy blessing to those that want to be free! The concept of dropping the load is often discussed and hardly done. Ok, so I put up the last blog and it was a quickie but I was not settled with it so let's go back to John 5- read it, verses 1-13. 


There is some major wealth here, the question, "do you want to me made well?" In Hebrews, we see that the bible tells us to drop EVERY weight, every distraction, every detour from destiny- but the harsh reality is, sometimes death never felt so good (because it is comfortable). It's hard to accept the truth sometimes but the truth is, we must like it? If we don't, then why do we constantly put ourselves in the position to suffer? For example the indulgence in food that keeps the weight on, or the relationship that just can't seem to work out (no matter how much you both try), or the dream that remains dead because you choose not to believe.  For each of these the answer is simple, drop the weight and focus on Jesus. Hebrews says that we have examples of faith all around us- nothing we are doing is new and we by far are not the only ones that suffer. Emotions try to make us believe that our situation is heavier than everyone else's weight- not true!


Read all of the examples in the word of God and how each blessing seems impossible,  each suffered,  was challenged by their faith but each chose God and his directive- that is what is different. We struggle in the place of doubt and believe that it is a fete that we can NEVER conquer, and that is true but we are trying to do a God sized job with man sized power...........so it will never work! For some, it is hard to learn that we are in need of God, that we cannot do it alone. The lesson can be painful and seem never ending but through it we gain a relationship with God of real intimacy and by us recognizing our weaknesses, we are able to see the true power of God. 


Currently I am in a place in life where I long for God's destiny to be manifested through my life, I want it so bad I can taste it. I hear stories and watch movies about people just like me that did the unexplainable through the power of God working through them and I cry in hunger, awaiting the opportunity. Their story empowers you, you realize that you are not crazy and that others have had the same experience. It starts and ends with a relationship in Christ. 


I can go off on a tangent but the main point of this blog is this, Jesus is EVERYTHING! You have freedom, so walk in it! Throw out everything that hinders you from destiny and purpose in CHRIST! Even the good ideas that are not God ideas-check your motive and throw all those things out* Clean the slate of your mind and ask God to show you His heart on the matter. Pray diligently to grow closer to him and read his word to learn as much as you can about him, build a relationship- not on your terms but by what God's word says.


I am getting ready to go on a retreat with some dynamic young women in the faith and the very leading up to this event has been a challenge. The theme of the retreat is to  "Reset" and in this I believe our lives will be changed if we allow it. I had to sacrifice time, finances, and priorities to go, however, I believe this will be well worth it! In everything I am making an effort to catch Jesus and his lesson and I implore you to do the same. When I return things will be different, very different*


I am going to invite you all on my journey and I plan to communicate with you even more as I journal my experiences, lessons, and bypassers of the faith that I connect with along the way- sharing their struggles but even more so, their success! It's real and you will be able to see that and hopefully recognize the gems in your own life.


My last thought: While I am gone, search yourselves -I will be doing the same* Ask God about the things you struggle with and then give them up. This is nothing cliche, for me, I had to give up the thought of marriage and relationship with a man for now. It hurt and I fight thoughts, opportunities, and things I feel were priceless that I have lost but God's will for me now is relationship building and preparing for my marriage with him. I know that marriage is in my future but it is not to be my focus and I must pray, seek God, read word, and fight not to let emotions rule-its something I have had to let go of. Whatever stops you or slows you down from seeking God is not for your good, it may be a lot to cut it off but you will see the benefits through growth, relationship, and intimacy.




My prayer for you: Lord, forgive us for holding onto the past and the things that separate us. Forgive us for forgetting who you are and leaning to things of no substance. Open our hearts and minds to you God as we commit to change and trust in you. As we go before you in honesty and humility, we know that you hear our every plea and you desire your will for us, help us see the beauty in your will and commit to living that out- let everything else become a memory.


...........I pray that through this time away that you will be refreshed and renewed by the word of God and the start of your new relationship with him. I pray that each weight that so easily slips you up loses its power and is replaced with a hunger and desire for God. I pray that a way is made for you to walk away from that thing unharmed and pray the protection of God around you. I speak the peace, faith and strength of Christ in your life even now. That your mind will be settled and that heart will be content. I pray that your eyes will be opened to the riches and wealth you have through Christ and that love supersedes all else. I pray your growth and that you begin the value the process, even if it is painful. I believe God and all of his promises to protect, guide, and grow you into something beautiful, so as you die to live for him- keep the heart, faith, and mind of Christ. may you be covered by his blood and know the power of it. There is truly nothing that is impossible in God, even a fresh start. You are an overcomer through Christ so now, do the impossible! So God I thank you and believe it is now, in Jesus name. Amen


Love your friend, 


Libby*


P.S. Check out the new page design* Fresh page for a fresh start! The finish line is our goal so when you get discouraged, see Christ at the finish line! Keep running*

Flooded Thoughts and Crucial Conversation*

I'm CHANGED, NEW, REFRESHED, RENEWED and well................I'm READY!


So much has transpired since my last blog, challenges, temptation, distraction, love, life and empowerment. (Not in that order) Unfortunately, I cannot always blog because there is an adventure to be had, called life, but I tell you what, while I have you here, take a seat, get a drink, and let's talk.

Ok, so I have told you before that when I was little I had a vivid imagination and loved to run into dreams and stay there for a while, today, let's sit by the fire on comfy couches. I imagine that the room smells of warm vanilla and we are wrapped up in fur throws, each having a comfy couch to ourselves. The fire is crackling and the tea lights and candles strategically placed all around the room. I see a tea station having the drinks and snacks we desire, all that's needed now is great conversation.

So now that we are comfortable, wrapped in our throws, smelling vanilla, with our snacks and drinks, let me tell you a story. This story is a familiar one, but don't let that take away from the truth inside. I am a firm believer that a gift can be wrapped in many ways and that timing, perspective, and desire are all great contributors when it comes to what we choose to receive. As I tell my story, I pray that you have an open mind and allow God to speak farther than these words, directly to your heart and let Him live there.



John 5 (Amplified Bible)


John 5


 1LATER ON there was a Jewish festival (feast) for which Jesus went up to Jerusalem.
    2Now there is in Jerusalem a pool near the Sheep Gate. This pool in the Hebrew is called Bethesda, having five porches (alcoves, colonnades, doorways).


    3In these lay a great number of sick folk--some blind, some crippled, and some paralyzed (shriveled up)--[a]waiting for the bubbling up of the water.


    4For an angel of the Lord went down at appointed seasons into the pool and moved and stirred up the water; whoever then first, after the stirring up of the water, stepped in was cured of whatever disease with which he was afflicted.


    5There was a certain man there who had suffered with a deep-seated and lingering disorder for thirty-eight years.


    6When Jesus noticed him lying there [helpless], knowing that he had already been a long time in that condition, He said to him, Do you want to become well? [Are you really in earnest about getting well?]


    7The invalid answered, Sir, I have nobody when the water is moving to put me into the pool; but while I am trying to come [into it] myself, somebody else steps down ahead of me.


    8Jesus said to him, Get up! Pick up your bed (sleeping pad) and walk!


    9Instantly the man became well and recovered his strength and picked up his bed and walked. But that happened on the Sabbath.



He walked; now for a paralyzed man, that's big stuff. The inability to move your limbs freely, to do for yourself, to speak (for some), stricken to lie in the same state day after day. That is pretty hard to imagine for a person that has moved freely for 29 years now, but envision it. Sit in your seat right now, close your eyes and picture yourself there. Paralyzed, on your side and waiting for someone to have mercy, that is deep.  This man relied on the willingness of another.

Now my question would be in reference to the mindset, where do you stand?

Moving past the place of victim to victor-  The weird thing about the approach is that Jesus asked, "do you want to become well?" and immediately after the man's excuse, Jesus gave a directive. The man followed the directive and took his deliverance.

This blog is short and sweet, the question is if you can only do it once (life) what would you do? This is not a game, no rewind button. There is a moment, an isolated fragment of time when something just clicks in your head and your heart- a call for action. My desire more than anything is to know Jesus.
Yet, when you know Jesus and get into relationship, you walk with him, and grow- your purpose develops right in front of your eyes. All you have to do then is run on the path, its already set- you are predestined.

God willing this is an intro to action, probing you to think....what more can you do? Are you giving everything and if not, are you like the man by the well with the excuse? Are you accustomed to the paralyzed life in some areas? Can you become vulnerable for God? Will you take up your mat and walk? or do you choose to die a slow death of decayed insides because you decided to remain sick.

Personally, I am in a place of discovering who I am in Christ. At 29 years old, I see places in need of improvement, gaps that only God can fill and I want to work to tear the walls down, to be open and available for God.

................................and I am willing to do anything to get there. I do not want to be the same, I want my insides to change I believe God can do it. There is not condemnation is Christ, I repent and keep running- movement is the key.

You have one life, live it like it!


My prayer is that you are open to who God truly is and allow Him to transform you, do not quit the process. The only life is in Him, nothing else is worth living.

Libby-

Head was full of thoughts so I chose to write them down.

Commit your life to work for God and communicate Christ to the world, once you know of his goodness, its a shame to keep it to yourself. NEVER QUIT!

Pity Parties, Fried Chicken, and Gentle Reminders

So yesterday may not have been the best day...............................

I woke up and was in a lull and had been in that lull since the end of October. This was one of the hardest moments to shake in my life, I thank God it's over.

How did I get over this lull? Well as simple and minor as it may sound I came to a place of thanksgiving, contentment, and reflection over a fried chicken dinner prepared with love. (Never doubt the power of how God uses others to speak, even when it is not directly to the situation you would be surprised of the jewels you can discover)

I still functioned and operated but definitely a time where I would say I was out of season.

So heavy, burdened, and depressed. I mean, there were things that were happening both good and bad but there was a numbness present but, it did not start out that way. I remember it clearly, I had a moment of extreme heaviness and sadness and the poor decisions followed suit. Now usually a person would get down about that but by this point I was numb and could not understand why.  I shouted out to God, "What is happening to me" and God being peaceful and unmoved by my rage would give a response like "Your flesh is being put to death". Now I felt that I had "put the flesh to death" before and still doing that but I have never experienced anything like what I went through recently.


I think its funny how I believed myself to be so invisible and undetected by everyone but God made it clear that people see the struggle and are only instructed to pray- its part of my process. How can you be angry for something you asked for? In this midst of false doctrine and false teachers of the word, in my experiences coming up in ministry and unbiblical views that were inducted by tradition and others family ties, I grew a disgust for falsehood and the misrepresentation of God.  (Thank God: I was lead to a place and leaders that have FULL confidence in God's word and the importance of finding and knowing Him for yourself, divine set up huh? lol)

My whole life from that point was set on the passion of really "knowing Him". That is the very  purpose of this blog, the journey of getting there. Not to be afraid to throw out everything and gain what is truth. The Lord told me in the beginning of the year that he is taking me back through everything-everything I thought I knew, but didn't, wasn't sure of, or had a question about. He wanted me to have what I asked for, truth. He wanted me to have confidence in the things that I knew but  then doubted once someone disagreed. I find it so funny that people ask for things from God and then are upset with the method He chooses for us. (myself included)

I know how this whole downslide started, God was taking me on a journey. I was told that for the path He was taking me on I needed to have "GREAT FAITH", oh ok, I thought- that's easy enough right? lol So I started praying for that great faith. When I say all hell broke loose, it did. I was told I was being made "thick-skinned, and a fighter". My feelings were constantly hurt and the emotions were like fire crackers on the 4th of July. Now, I ladies and gentlemen battled with suppression which birthed depression, then oppression-(I know I will be covering this in a later blog). When I would get hurt regardless of how "well" it appeared to be handled- that night it was on, the battle of the mind, will, and emotions would go to work. So midway through the journey I took a seat, so God waited. I realized that every time major events would happen that were pivotal to my spiritual growth- anything and everything would happen. I battled through some major times and then, I ran.

I ran like Elijah from the threat of Jezebel, sprinted like an Olympic hopeful and ended up, well, I don't know where I ended up. Versus an angel coming to my aid (prob had those too but didn't take notice) God stepped in and needless to say I got some of the heartfelt and some of the harsh, whew, love is honest :)

Now I am about to eat some of the word and continue this journey. Its been very hard family, I have had some of the roughest times of my life in this season and I guess the downslot is that I am trying to hit things honestly and am grieving the injustice in a lot of things. My desire is that my heart will bleed for the people and that I have a heart of love and will stop at nothing for others to receive that. That my mind will be so set on God's word that I will not even be able to swallow a spoonful of anything else. Discernment sharpened, mind set, I'm willing-Let's go.


It's funny, I feel as if I am learning this light-walk in phases and seeing that in the past I had some good points and connecting those things to the new understanding. This introduces the understanding to the zealousness. The emphasis is on doing it purposely, with the right heart, being spirit-lead, in wisdom.
Teaching on healing is hard, the person is hurt and just wants a resolve but often times the resolve they want is what they avoid and the difficulty is in the longsuffering, patience, intercession, and love that has to be poured out regardless of their response. Everything my life has stood for spiritually connects to one thing-Christ, (duh, lol) and everyone's need for Him. He is breaking me down to build me back up. I know the hardships by experience, ministry of others, and by keeping my ear to the ground. (hearing what others around me endure).

I am humbled and honored by the call to serve and spread the truth. To give people the invitation to the party of life. That rocks* Perception is the key, in the midst of the chaos- do you see what God is doing? Sometimes the gentle reminder of what you need in Him is enough to settle the soul. Word to emphasize the work that is being done in the inside and the birthing of that character that makes the destiny lasting.

Remember if you are not fighting, not working, not seeking, you are the host of your very own extravagant pity celebration-cut the lights, put the champagne away, and exit- its time to work!


Do a self-examination. Where do you stand? Ask God to help you in those areas and allow Him to. Get word that promotes God's plan, have faith, fight anything that stands in your way with THE WORD, stand in the midst after you have done everything, have faith, trust God, and SOAR*


Father God in the Name of Jesus, I thank you for the lives of all that read this blog and are in search of something in you. I pray that my transparency blesses and promotes action to seek you even more. Lord show yourself in their lives and show them the importance of dependency and trust in your word. I pray for faith through the rough patches and humility in the green pastures. I speak God's full fold blessings over their lives and pray Lord,  that you give them the insight to fight and endure through all trials. I pray for the understanding of victory and that eyes will be opened (including my own). God help us grow in you and as we, yield do everything you need to for our wholeness- put us back in the kiln, break the branches, do the work- we trust you. I love you with an unspeakable love and pray all these things in faith in the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

Encourage Yourself!!!!!!!!!!

So we all have seasons when we are in need of something that only God can give us. It feels as if no words in the world can comfort the soul and we long for God to intervene.

It is in the that moment that He says, "Have faith".


Then something beautiful happens, you gird up your loins, pull up your bootstraps and apply that faith and use the very word of God (the facts) to encourage yourself.

Never give up, regardless of what your eyes see- the life lies in your faith in God. Things will NOT always be this way. You will have everything that God has promised you + some.

So look in the mirror confidently and rehearse the good things, speak the word over your own life in the midst of discouragement. be thankful for all God has done and REMEMBER THE GOOD THINGS, remember all He has brought you through (this is no different) and watch as the diminishment melts away and your faith in God increases. You can do it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFNHmA9a2gI (Song Encourage Yourself, Enjoy)

As I am embarking on one of the most difficult strides in my race, I need to be the cheerleader for myself as I am for others. Relentless in pursuit and bubbling over with love*

I encourage you to grow and encourage yourself in the midst of the storm. Push for that dependency in God and exercise your faith! Speak it aloud and water the good seeds and have the good seed produce fruit a hundred fold.

Praying for your success in Christ!

God you are awesome, there is nothing that you cannot do and no heart that you cannot heal. Lord I ask right now in the name of Jesus that you touch deep within, that we allow you to fully do the inner work and that our faith in you truly makes us whole. God we will stick to your word like glue and grow in our faith. We commit to your word receiving it as all truth for our lives. Even though we acknowledge that we are hurting, we acknowledge you as God and the completion that we need for our healing. We believe in all faith that the work you started, you will finish. In Jesus name I pray Amen*

In a File called Miscellaneous...............................

In a file labeled miscellaneous.

In a file called miscellaneous I am a self-created narcissist. As a child I would escape to my imagination often. I would search through to the file called miscellaneous and live there. In that file I was the most beautiful, popular, intelligent girl ever- my reality had somewhat different results.

In that file I hid false truths that I hid in as well as traumatic experiences I never wished to share or encounter again.

Everyone has there vice, all mine were put in the file called miscellaneous. In that file I stored all my hurts, failures, fears, and trauma and shifted things to my own created reality.

Abusive childhood, miscellaneous.

Molestation, miscellaneous.

Parents Divorce, miscellaneous.

Loss of the sense of self worth, miscellaneous.

Virginity lost to a creep, miscellaneous.  The birth of self-destructive behavior, miscellaneous. Rape, miscellaneous. Repetitive failure, miscellaneous. Depression, miscellaneous. etc, etc, etc, miscellaneous.

As I am going through a spiritual inventory and assessing God's facts and satan's fiction for my life I realize that the file called miscellaneous is crippling and huge. Although I have made major strides in Christ I am in a bit of a lull due to the file called miscellaneous. The file takes me back to childhood and leaves me there weeping for resolve. Ah, miscellaneous....... psssst, I hate you!

In my last blog I planned to give a play by play of my separation and the triumph in the trusting. Well, things did not turn out the way I would have imagined. I became overcome with work, overwhelmed with school and over stretched in ministry and as we know when one is pulled in a hundred directions it is only a matter of time before *SNAP* something breaks. That something, was me. I became overburdened with depression and an influx of negative thoughts and the feeling of uncontrollable emotions flooded my mind.

In the world of miscellaneousity, I am important and people want to hear what I have to say. Every opinion is valued and treated great all the time. Ha, too bad that is not the case but the case is that I need to delete the file to really live. No false reality, no cover ups, just life and that more abundantly. You see in this time of my life and in this blog my plea was to get to know the Lord, for real, for real. I have been seeing Him and me, and in the me part lies too much clutter.

It's funny because I thought that just simply giving things up I would get there, not quite. Sometimes I would take God with me and sometimes I would leave Him behind. Sometimes I would endure and have the victory in Him and others I would run for my life and ask for death like Elijah. (I am smiling) this reminds me of a time where I thought I was surely losing my mind. In a moment of panic and utter despair I cried out to God "What do you want from me?" and He replied "YOUR LIFE". As the words echoed through the core of my soul I sat there and weeped. I thought I had given all, I thought I had submitted and every time I look there was yet another hindrance from the relationship that I desire.

I desire that love like two straws in a milkshake in a fifties diner kinda love, that stay up all night talking on the phone about how wonderful you are kinda love, that I was made for you and you me kinda love- that intimacy. That love that I can freely open my mouth and shout and sing without care kinda love. That wanna preach your love all over the world no matter of the consequence kinda love. That love you regardless if you don't love me kinda love-because He loves me, when I didn't love me and I wanna be like Him so in everything I do I pursue loving you kinda love. That never afraid kinda love.

You know what I mean? I want that.

The relationship I have now is not good enough. I want something more, a fresh kinda love.

God is so wonderful in all His ways and He is within reach. His love is comparable to none and even in a place where I am being reconstructed for His glory, I can still see that. So awesome in power, compassionate in His approach-that kinda love.

That kinda love pushed me to get rid of the miscellaneous file. The folder is blocking that kinda love. The rehearsal of pain keeps me from it, so it must go. So friends, I am getting rid of it-

What about you?

I am NOT Forgotten! Waiting in the Wilderness and Building Faith in the Process*

"Truly this duckling wants to go with the others but God may have something different in mind. Patience little ducky, don't worry you are not forgotten* She isn't flying yet but just you wait and see." Libster*

YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN, YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN, YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN!


I love the seasons where God is right there, where you can feel Him so close its scary. You wake up with the residue all over you from the night before of worship and just basking in His presence. When you know He is walking with you and that added ounce of confidence plummets your faith into a whole new realm. It's such a great experience. Yet, sometimes we don't "feel" God and our faith comes in in knowing that He is still with you even though you see no remnants of change or progress. This place can be uncomfortable, lonely, and scary.............Welcome to the Wilderness*

The wilderness is often seen as a bad place, punishment, or unexpected torture. That's how I viewed it too, until the Lord began to reveal Himself in the process. Although it can be hard to see but the wilderness is a time of preparation for the promise. The wilderness allows you to develop for the destiny, how cool right? The true school of success taught my no other than the Holy Spirit Himself-it gets no better than that.


TO BE CONTINUED.............................................................

Running for my Life: Revelation for the Race- Part 2 (Reality, Faith, Fight)

I stopped running.

Right in mid-stride, I stopped running.

I made one mistake and I became not only my worst critic but my worst enemy, and I stopped running.

Well, my last blog submission was in June, it is now August and so much has happened. I have had major victories, minor setbacks, but nothing compares to the illusion of defeat-because that's where I lost my focus for a minute (and mind temporarily).

I was doing so well, I was so high spirited, so encouraged, I had what I believed to be so much faith in tomorrow and what God had for me and at the first indication of a season change, I lost it. I felt the cool wind of change and got intimidated. Where is the harvest I asked? I had nothing, The Lord was stripping me naked and I would lose more each day that I used to use in the past to cover me. (i.e. defense mechanisms, addictions, and diversions.) I was running out of covering- my covering. In this place standing at the door of total submission, I freaked out and turned to run in the direction of temporary fixes but in my sprint to the deceptive safety, I began to slow down and look around. There was no denying the emptiness and lack that lied in the lies of the temporary fix. (Overindulge in food, buying a new outfit, etc.) Didn't matter, doesn't work and at the end of the day your pockets will  be empty, your heart broken, and you will be unhealthy first inside, then out.

AAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

When I tell you my flesh was dying, this mess was going bonkers. I thought I was going mad with all the chaos from the internal battle. Prayer was essential and I was holding on like a mountain climber from a sharp peak. Dependency........ what does this word mean to a 28 year old woman that was born to hustle, to make it work, shoot, just to make it. I have always done my own thing, if I ran into a snag, ok- don't panic, you will figure it out, you always do-you have to. I would do exactly that, figure it out. By my own mind, will, and emotions- the best recipe for death and indecisiveness. So when the Lord began to begin working with me on this real relationship that I was seeking and total dependence in him, oh the strings began to unravel rather rapidly. There I stood in something I despised more than anything, vulnerable.

Last week was quite a rough week for me, things were just coming at me in every direction and I was trying to take things one at a time. I was praying, speaking life, reading word, fighting the battle within my mind but as I was working, so was God. Oh boy, I vividly remember times last week where I was so overcome with everything I busted out in tears. I cried everywhere, in my commute to work, at work, on break, at home, in bed- I asked myself, what is happening to me? Although all the while I knew, my flesh was dying and war has never been waged on it like this before. So the battle was on, one time in particular I cried in frustration because I wanted to do something that my flesh desired and I knew I couldn't even go there, its wasn't my time, and I cried. In the tears and through the fight I stumbled upon an oasis. Yes, I thought! Rest and relaxation (boy was I wrong). I looked, considered the thing, and turned to the MIRAGE, that's right mirage. I lost my focus and stopped running.

-SIDEBAR-

Now interestingly enough my life in marathon training seems to prophetically illustrate my spiritual journey. I hadn't gone to practice in 2 weeks, I became busy, distracted, and I stopped running.  I had to miss one practice that was necessary. Although soon I began to justify reasons as to why I should miss others. I was tired, I had a lot to do, I didn't feel like it. Hmmmmmm, so it was no surprise that when I stepped on the trail to run a quick 5 mile run that I met injury head on. In the beginning I was on a roll with the peak crew leading the team. Although I had not only missed corporate practice but the individual training was now almost non-existent, and I realized I once again my issue-endurance. (sigh) By the end of the run I had two strong shinsplints entertaining each leg and a charlie horse in the arch of one of my feet. Not to mention, I was tired. As I watched each person pass me I thought to myself "you don't train, you don't win." I was one of the last people to return to the starting line that day and I understood what had been missing.

I would fight, go to battle with satan, myself and then just about breakthrough time- I tap out. I get tired. Well in my reading I have been coming across a wealth of revelation through scripture and I need to apply it and have my faith worked out. This was to elevate me to another level in Him and my reaction showed that I need to grow in faith and pray more for understanding- deeper revelation. I will not be thrown by this setback but educated on my stance and where I need to improve. I have challenge all around me and I need to run to the feet of the only one who an take away the pain, erase the anxiety, and comfort my soul-JESUS CHRIST. I need to become like Mary and weep at His feet and give up my soul to Him entirely- no strings attached. I cannot let the distractions keep me from my goal of a REAL RELATIONSHIP WITH CHRIST. Now do not get me wrong, I have a relationship with Christ but I want to know him like Paul and Peter, I want Him to be able to work mightily through me and manifest Himself through me to help others. I want this death so that I can know resurrection, I want abundant life.

My soul is out of whack and it needs to be under subjection. I see it clearly, the Lord told me I need the mind of a child, trusting Him in all things. I never knew the complexity of deprogramming until I came to Christ. Even things I see with my eyes, I have to run past God an ensure I am directed correctly in prayer. Constantly asking His will be done and asking "How to I address this thing". I think that is the answer to being a Christ carrier, going back to the basics-

Luke 9:23-24 (NIV) Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." This exposes the action that needs to take place for me on a regular basis, not anywhere does it mention stopping. I want to lose my life for Him and must DO THE WORK.

Proverbs 3: 5-6 (Message) Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. This kills my methodology of temporary fixes, just trust God and pray and my soul can be settled that I am on track.

Philippians 4:6 (New Living Translation) Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Often I fight depression over the past and hope for the future, direction in life, or trying to do things in my own strength. This scripture has come alive in me in a new way as I am learning about blind faith and dependency. Worry = not trusting God, I must give EVERYTHING TO HIM. Hopes, dreams, fears, anxiety and this has been such a hard process for me, vulnerability, expressing need. I developed into quite the prideful person as I was raised to do it own my own and to "make it" so this part is ripping me up- but it is so worth it, I know it.

This season comes with so much of its own. Since the death of my grandmother and parents divorce I have struggled with abandonment. Now in this season I have 7 people that I have grown close to over time moving away - most to pursue education. I have never been good with separation and in an effort to stay sane and be "ok". I would create psychological distance in order to accept the concept of their absence. However, it has never been this many before, one being my best friend. It's funny because pretty much everyone that I hang out with from church is in this group, now what? God says "build new relationships".  I am thinking, let me get this straight. Not only are you stripping me of everything I do to cover up but you are taking away my comfort zones and people too. And I can't isolate, or become a hobbit? Whew........

Well for now I think I have spilled enough. I am going to write a continuation of this blog within the next couple of days. I will take you on the painful  yet beautiful journey of change and how I run to Christ for my comfort- I am believing in growth.

If you don't take anything from my life (or better yet, death) know that it's all worth it. I express my pain and frustration in an effort to show you that it is real and common, you are not alone. It is just as challenging for everyone but with God we can make it out and make it in a REAL RELATIONSHIP with Him. Stay tuned, you are growing.

Love,

Libster